I haven't felt like 'myself' lately. I've been uninspired and not feeling overly positive. It's caused me to retreat because the identity I created, and who people expect me to be, is uplifting and inspiring. If I'm not that person, then what value do I bring? This is the question I subconsciously ask myself all the time. Somewhere along the way I picked up the belief that if I don't provide good energy or some sort of utility to the people in my life then I am worthless.
What I didn't realize until now is that belief is a form of self betrayal. Trying to be perfect is not real, and only showing up as your best self for people isn't either. This persona of positivity has been a wall for me. A wall to shield me from myself. I haven't wanted to see what's inside behind the high energy girl who always finds the silver lining.
For the first time in my life I am allowing myself to sit with all of me and explore and experiment. I'm dusting off old wants and checking them out. I'm allowing myself to experience the full spectrum of feelings rather than just expressing the 'good ones'. That's why I haven't felt like myself...well...my old self. For example, most people who know me would vouch that I have been committed to 'Miracle Mornings' for over two years. Lately, though, I just don't want to do them. Journaling hasn't felt quite right. Meditating feels more like torture than calming. Sometimes I just want to stare at the wall. Sometimes I want to put on the TV, zone out and allow the familiarity of the characters to keep me company. When I don't do the old version of my 'Miracle Morning', there are thoughts that run through my mind that it's 'wrong' not to practice my routine, and I am 'letting myself down'.
When I confided these feelings with my life coach, she said something to me that really hit home. She said: "What got you here won't get you there". There was a time in my life where journaling and reading every single morning and having a strict routine made sense. It felt right. The girl in the picture below needed the space to become more self aware and build confidence in herself through routines. This picture was taken two months before I was laid off from my Corporate America job. At the time I was unfulfilled, dreaming about a life that had more to it than weekdays spent longing for the weekends. I was overweight, unhappy, and out of touch with myself. Getting laid off catapulted me onto the path of self discovery and forced to begin facing myself.
I am so grateful for the personal development and discovery that took place through the pages of those books and those journal entries. They brought me to where I am today. A place of self awareness and confidence in myself. The person who needed those strict mornings and that commitment isn't there anymore, though. This girl needs something different. She needs to pursue a more feminine way of life that is less regimented. She needs to dissolve the ideas of what is 'good' or 'bad' and follow her heart instead. She needs to align her life to her core values of authenticity and freedom.
To be honest, up until recently, I hadn't been aligning to anything at all. I was just trying to survive. But as I have been realigning my life to freedom and authenticity, it is naturally shaking things up. So when I think about my mornings and forcing myself to journal, that is the opposite of freedom. Posting a picture of me journaling when I don't want to be is far from authentic.
There is nothing wrong with having that realization and making a change. It's the stories we tell ourselves about this change that make it so uncomfortable. The stories that say 'you have no self control', 'you're weak', 'you're a failure'. But, if we can get past the negative self-talk and follow what really lights us up, we will see that this is exactly how we evolve. Sometimes old habits, thought patterns and relationships need to melt away to make space for you to realign your life to something that is more fulfilling.
There's no right or wrong way to navigate this life. There are no rules. The only confines are the ones we create and build in our own minds. It's so beautiful to evolve and change. How boring would life be if we just kept doing the same things, thinking the same thoughts, and living the same day over and over? I still feel uncomfortable trying new ways of going about life, but I'm doing it anyway. Every day is not a great day, but I'm okay with it. Instead of trying to make every day incredible, I seek out incredible moments in every day. It's so much more real and juicy that way.
Until next time, Ciao! xx
p/s: I will leave you with this song that has been particularly inspiring to me lately. Music is the best drug ♡